Personal boundaries (as written by Wikipedia) “are established by changing one’s own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with your boundary.”

This is no easy task, particularly for the human who has been socialized to accept, please, forgive, make work, etc. I am either nice or a bitch, composed or melodramatic- there is no middle ground given by this patriarchal society.

To start, I had to reject this narrative and find comfort beyond it’s walls by creating my own path, living by my own values, and building strength to stand tall when I meet others who wish to claim authority over, or view my person and this world in such an either or way. This outlook requires decolonizing the brain. Too often we state our values verbally but do not practice them internally which creates a layer of deceit that we may not even be privy to- hence why so many claim to “not be racist” yet support racist policies and people- there is a disconnect. If we all spent more time turning inward rather than jabbing our pointer outward, the world would be a better place.

The practical:

When you are trying to communicate boundaries in kindness- keep it about yourself. Even if this other person by your assessment is in the wrong, the reality is that you are the one experiencing frustration and this response belongs to you. Relational dynamics are complex. There are indeed high contrast scenarios in which disturbing violations occur (on the micro and macro level), however the bulk of what we navigate over the course of our lifetime falls into a grey zone, and this is where I am coming from. Identifying how you feel, what your needs are, and how they could be met is a good place to start prior to broaching the subject. Even better- acknowledging the ways in which you do appreciate the other + opening up to the possibility that their response may shift how you feel fosters an exchange versus a one-sided take. If this conversation does not lead to a better place between you, and especially if they do not receive it well or take you seriously, then maybe it’s time to re-think your proximity to this person.

Exercising this muscle has allowed me to understand the way I can best engage in difficult conversations without lashing out or capsizing. For me, I need to write it out. Sometimes this is for my eyes only, or a means of first contact with a promise to chat in person later. I am a sensitive creature and I know how easily it is to lose all words when it comes to matters of the heart. Writing opens up a portal of honesty. Reading my typed thoughts allows me to see where I am being unfair or lacking nuance, clarify the confusion I might be experiencing, better identify why I am feeling this way and what might help, and determine if this is even something I need to share… maybe all I needed do was process with myself.

On top of writing, I have digested many books and online classes over the last decade covering a wide variety of topics relating to human connection and personal understanding- knowledge grounds me. I am also in full support of seeking out the guidance of a mental health care professional. Though this has not been a road I’ve traveled (though considered), I have friends speak to the tremendous help it has been in their transformation.

There are situations where physical distance is not possible in the short or long term. Such might be the case with a co-worker, family member, or neighbor. Still, there are tools we can reach for to cope. Whenever I find myself obsessing over a dynamic that does not allow somatic relief by separation, I try to foster a degree of acceptance and also engage in rituals that shift my circuitry. Because I am an aphant, I cannot visualize, so what works for me is movement. Walking quickly through deep woods is one way I set my thinker free from hazardous patterns- I engage in this activity at least once a week, usually more. If I am unable to seek solace in the forest then I must meet myself where I stand… taking a deep inhale while pulling my open palms to chest, I push my hands and breath forward and out, releasing the unhelpful thought or person occupying my psyche, believing them to be moving further and further from my person- out of sight, out of mind. I repeat this until I feel at ease.

Did you know the lungs are connected to grief in TCM? Let that shit out.

In these everyday scenarios, your boundaries are yours to maintain and respect. Practice is required like with any other skill. I am no longer a people pleaser. That doesn’t mean the knot at center chest fails to tighten when I navigate these waters or that I would claim to be a pro (I am still leaning from mistakes), but I am better equipped at mitigating the tension that rises so that it does not arrest me from taking action.

Whether it be saying no, goodbye, or giving my all to those I care about- it all comes from a place of love, kindness, and honesty.

I also believe that being able to form and maintain boundaries requires agency, and agency is connected to the support systems we have in place. In this way, boundaries are a privilege that we should not take for granted, nor should we lose sight of the ways in which we can lend our hands to those in struggle or forget those who have lifted us up. Boundaries are not meant to be rock solid at all times and to all people. Allowing people in, extending yourself in service, is essential to community and connection.

I have been in a lacking and needful place- isolated and ashamed… fearful to leave a toxic relationship of 7 years… trapped in a vicious cycle of despair. In a moment of desperation I reached out to a person I had only recently met, hoping that she might shelter me and my 2 dogs + cat. Her response was simple- yes. No questions asked. I quickly moved in, and though my life did not suddenly get easier, it was a foundational step in a new direction- an essential one towards who I am today.

Miss and love you, Holly bean. Thanks for helping me in a time of great need.